I love you the way I love me
Self-love has been increasingly recognized as the essential ingredient for having a successful and loving relationship. There is so much hype to promote and inspire those who had been in toxic relationships to uplevel their future love experience through harnessing the power of self-love.
A vast range of information about self-love and how to practice it are readily available. But we are still yet to unpack the deeper guidance of true self-love embodiment. This is apparent in the increasing number of bullying, toxic relationships, and harassment that are currently happening in the world right now. Sadly, self-love is not taught at school despite being part of essential life survival skills.
Further, self-love is often confused with self-care practice which is a superficial part of self-love. The modern-day teaching of self-love is infused by marketing which directs us more towards indulgence, boosting self-esteem, or chasing perfection to fit into society’s idealized model. We became more competitive on a physical level to gain popularity, love, and acceptance. The mean girls’ (and boys) culture of putting each other down to elevate an individual’s social status is more visible in the social media world — the resemblance to a school playground.
True self-love requires inner work to uncover our true selves, especially our ‘disowned self.’ Most of us disowned our ruptured self into the shadow out of shame and unworthiness. Simply because they didn’t meet others’ expectations or society’s idealized models. Our need to gain external validation of being good enough is the fundamental reason for our disappointment, insecurities, and rejection in life.
As Lao Tzu profoundly taught us, love is an action, not an emotion. Hence, self-love is a deliberate practice to choose ourselves first over others. Whenever we feel like losing ourselves in an unhealthy situation or relationship, self-love becomes our first aid in resuscitation.
Practicing self-love has been life-changing for me. Growing up as a minority who was discriminated against race and gender, I had to be okay with secondary treatment. I suppressed my voice, needs, and desires to guarantee my safety. As a child, I was disciplined to follow my parent’s orders. Their love language was dictating what was best for me without much emotional support. This conditioning was an attractive factor for having toxic relationships.
The experience of emotional starvation shaped me to be an over-giver and people-pleaser to my partner, friends, and family. Religion and culture taught me to be selfless and loving to others. So, putting myself first felt very selfish and against my upbringing. Consequently, I experienced corporate bullying, sexual harassment at the workplace, burnout, and depression. I had to face this cold hard truth and made a radical change in my life.
I deepen my comprehension of self-love as part of my spiritual awakening. I had to unbecome myself from childhood conditioning and societal programming which ingrained false self-beliefs. I took on a rediscovery journey to unearth my true self. I learned to be more compassionate, accepting, and loving toward who I am. Self-love also requires me to forgive my messiness, mistakes, failures, or shaming myself.
Once, I started to consciously prioritize myself, I changed how I love others. I realized that I had better choices in life than acting out of fear of losing love or being rejected. I no longer feel guilty for letting others down, not validating their self-worth, or rescuing their rejected self anymore. When I failed to meet their demand, I didn’t have any regret or shame for my decision to choose myself first.
Self-love forges me to be happy alone. I released the need to be with someone or gain their love and attention to complete my life. It is a value-adding exercise for raising my self-worth. I give myself the much-needed respect that I deserve. Through consistent practice, I also found the courage to eliminate things, people, or experiences which incongruent with my truths.
I am confident in taking charge of my decision to stay in a relationship and friendship by selectively associating myself with those I feel authentically aligned with. I also stopped accommodating others or doing things I don’t enjoy because they are unworthy of my attention and energy. I honor my needs and desires which is supportive of creating more boundaries and being assertive when others trespass it. This opened up space for higher spiritual evolution through the creation of an inner sanctuary within my soul.
As I truly value myself, my decision and action are centered on what is supportive of my growth. I let go of my love rejections patterns and expectations of my partner. I don’t settle for any less than what I desire and am worthy to receive. My own love and acceptance are more than enough. I don’t try to make others see and validate my worthiness. I took on full responsibility for my happiness only. The deeper I love myself the deeper I can love others while accepting them freely.
I release the need to change and make my partner realize my perspective of his highest potential. A typical rescuer pattern of behavior. I strongly believe in loving someone by setting him free to pursue his happiness without having to be in each other’s possession. He has the equal right and allowance to simply be himself as I give to myself. The deeper I love myself, the easier I give out unconditional love to others. A love relationship becomes a safe container for my growth and healing as well as my partner.
I feel liberated in expressing my truths while accepting others’ truths. This eliminates many frustrations in my life and social interactions with others. The day I learned NO is a complete sentence, I found my freedom. I released the need to over justify myself. Setting boundaries is also necessary to teach others how to treat and respect you. If you haven’t been religiously practicing self-love, I strongly encourage you to do so. Self-love will open up your capacity to receive more love and abundance into your life. Remember, you can only teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. This is what true self-love is about.
